So being home has been absolutely wonderful for the past week and a half... but they warned us that this day would come.
The honeymoon phase of being home has officially ended and it hit me hard this morning standing in front of the yogurt selection at the grocery store this morning. I couldn't make a decision of which kind, size, flavor, price to pick so I just had to walk away. It was busy this morning too and I just felt so overwhelmed by the amount of mzungus I didnt know all in one place not paying attention to each other but just coexisting in that place in that moment while they focus on what they need to buy out of necessity and want. Luckily I had Logan there or I think I would have had a complete mental breakdown in the middle of the store.
This is just a small example of my overall feelings of today, and since I've been home really but that I've just ignored. I feel physically and mentally incapable. I cant make decisions because the choices are too many. I can drive and physically live at home and at Gordon without thinking because Im letting years of habit dictate my actions, but when it comes down to it I really feel like I have lost the mental capacity to consciously act. There is a huge disconnect between my brain and my body. We went out to dinner before senior formal last night and I knew how to be seated, read my menu, enjoy the bread and oil they give you before your meal but then when it came down to order and ask for ketchup I really struggled to find the right words and just felt embarrassed that I couldnt coherently say "could I please have some ketchup?".
And I guess this is what I asked for, I asked for the honeymoon phase to eventually come to an end so I should enjoy this moment but I didnt realize I would be more frustrated with myself than I would affluent and materialistic American society.
So basically, with the end of this honeymoon phase comes the culmination of all of the hard stuff I've learned about myself these past four months - what the Bible would call desires of the flesh. I have really felt and understood how ungodly of a human being I am despite having a relationship with the Lord for 9ish years. I am now able to see how stubborn and selfish I am, the areas of bitterness in my life towards people and situations, and how incredibly incapable I am to do anything about it. So here I am, in desperate need of the Lord's grace and mercy, which I know he will faithfully provide and hopefully I will be able to faithfully accept.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Congratulations!
Happy 22nd birthday Logan! And congratulations on graduating, I am so proud of you!
This picture was taken last night before senior formal, which was lots of fun! We basically spent 4 hours dancing... Logan had fun, but I loved it because dancing is my favorite no matter what kind :)
Congratulations Kerry and Joel on your engagement!
Kerry and Joel, engaged May 14, 2011
Thanx for letting me share life with you all! Your life adventures are my joys as well. :)
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Home - as in Ashland/Gordon Home
So Im home. I've been home for a week as of today. I'm not sure what to say about it except that its been weird. Weird that it wasnt as hard as I was expecting. I was expecting to be super frustrated with people, with affluence, with the weather. And only the weather part is true... so far any way.
For the most part I've really enjoyed my week. Except for being freezing in this "nice" New England weather, I have loved spending time with my wonderful boyfriend Logan, getting to see family on Mother's Day, getting to know our new puppy, and watching my sister play lacrosse and enjoying some great conversations with friends.
So, maybe this is just the honeymoon phase...in a way I kind of hope so. I dont want my past four months to be a waste. In debrief we talked about the different responses we could have coming home about our semester. One of them was compartmentalization, putting my past four months into a box and opening it just like I would past vacations. Or I could alienate myself from everyone, writing everyone off as never understanding (which in all honesty you probably wont), and becoming frustrated and bitter when no one wants to keep talking about my time in Uganda. The third, and best response is integration. This is what I want and I'm striving for. I want to take all of my lessons about living faithfully and living simply and integrate into my life here. I want to change, not like 180 degrees, but even if I just change a little, in the future I will still be far from the course I was on before I even left.
So for now, my adventure is continuing in the sense that I have no idea what my next week, let alone my summer is going to be like. For now, I'm living day by day. Hopefully I'll get a job, hopefully I'll have something to do, but hopefully I'll be content with just being.
Prayers for this summer would be greatly appreciated.
And, I cant not mention how much I miss Uganda and my Ugandan family and I really cant wait to go back!
For the most part I've really enjoyed my week. Except for being freezing in this "nice" New England weather, I have loved spending time with my wonderful boyfriend Logan, getting to see family on Mother's Day, getting to know our new puppy, and watching my sister play lacrosse and enjoying some great conversations with friends.
So, maybe this is just the honeymoon phase...in a way I kind of hope so. I dont want my past four months to be a waste. In debrief we talked about the different responses we could have coming home about our semester. One of them was compartmentalization, putting my past four months into a box and opening it just like I would past vacations. Or I could alienate myself from everyone, writing everyone off as never understanding (which in all honesty you probably wont), and becoming frustrated and bitter when no one wants to keep talking about my time in Uganda. The third, and best response is integration. This is what I want and I'm striving for. I want to take all of my lessons about living faithfully and living simply and integrate into my life here. I want to change, not like 180 degrees, but even if I just change a little, in the future I will still be far from the course I was on before I even left.
So for now, my adventure is continuing in the sense that I have no idea what my next week, let alone my summer is going to be like. For now, I'm living day by day. Hopefully I'll get a job, hopefully I'll have something to do, but hopefully I'll be content with just being.
Prayers for this summer would be greatly appreciated.
And, I cant not mention how much I miss Uganda and my Ugandan family and I really cant wait to go back!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Last Blog Post In Africa
Wow. I can't believe I'm actually at this point. I knew I was going to study abroad in Uganda since about senior year of high school and it actually happened and now its basically over.
I have had an amazing time here and I've learned so many things and had my eyes open to perspectives I never would have thought about. I have formed amazing relationships with new American friends and with Ugandans, especially my family, that will never end or be broken.
So after four months in this amazing country, I'm ready to go back home. I'm excited to see my family, Logan, my friends and youth group people that I have been missing for this semester. I'm excited to sleep in my own bed, use American toilets with toilet paper every time, and drive my car - but im scared I'll end up driving on the wrong side of the road! Its a little hard to picture driving right now actually...
BUT, even though I'm excited, I think it will be way harder to adjust back to American life more than it was adjusting to Uganda. For one, I wont encounter poverty on a daily basis. I will have a million more choices to make every day, every hour even. And everything will be easy, and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.
So, it would really help me if would please avoid saying:
- How Was Africa? Because, if you knew me at all you would know I'm in Uganda and its a completely different country than all other African countries. If you ask me this I'll just say great, and nothing else...
- I'm glad your back safe. Because, I can't really think of a time when I felt unsafe.
- Please don't make any comments about you being glad I'm not in a third world country. Because yes, I'm in a developing country that has a lot of things holding it back, like corruption of government, etc. But this place is amazing and there is so much beauty amidst the things like poverty that Americans could really learn from. See blog post about presence!
Those are the three things I can think of off the top of my head, but I'm sure there is more. All I am asking is to please be patient with me and realize that when I don't want to spend money doing certain things or I try and take a more simple approach to doing life that its just what I have been personally convicted about and I'm not trying to change all of you. I know that no matter how hard I try you wont be able to fully understand my experience here, and thats totally fine.
So if you like to hear more about my experience, there will be a lot more processing and understanding of my experience, plus hopefully some more summer adventures! So thanks for sticking with me these past four months and sharing my journey with me. Also, if you have any specific questions or things you have been wondering just let me know, I'll have a lot more time to answer questions and put up pictures, etc.
Webale nyo bassebo ne bannyabo. Weraba!
P.S. Rwanda for the next 10 days, Mukono for a night (hopefully at home!), Entebbe for four days, and then I'm back on American soil May 4th - 2 weeks from today!
I have had an amazing time here and I've learned so many things and had my eyes open to perspectives I never would have thought about. I have formed amazing relationships with new American friends and with Ugandans, especially my family, that will never end or be broken.
So after four months in this amazing country, I'm ready to go back home. I'm excited to see my family, Logan, my friends and youth group people that I have been missing for this semester. I'm excited to sleep in my own bed, use American toilets with toilet paper every time, and drive my car - but im scared I'll end up driving on the wrong side of the road! Its a little hard to picture driving right now actually...
BUT, even though I'm excited, I think it will be way harder to adjust back to American life more than it was adjusting to Uganda. For one, I wont encounter poverty on a daily basis. I will have a million more choices to make every day, every hour even. And everything will be easy, and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.
So, it would really help me if would please avoid saying:
- How Was Africa? Because, if you knew me at all you would know I'm in Uganda and its a completely different country than all other African countries. If you ask me this I'll just say great, and nothing else...
- I'm glad your back safe. Because, I can't really think of a time when I felt unsafe.
- Please don't make any comments about you being glad I'm not in a third world country. Because yes, I'm in a developing country that has a lot of things holding it back, like corruption of government, etc. But this place is amazing and there is so much beauty amidst the things like poverty that Americans could really learn from. See blog post about presence!
Those are the three things I can think of off the top of my head, but I'm sure there is more. All I am asking is to please be patient with me and realize that when I don't want to spend money doing certain things or I try and take a more simple approach to doing life that its just what I have been personally convicted about and I'm not trying to change all of you. I know that no matter how hard I try you wont be able to fully understand my experience here, and thats totally fine.
So if you like to hear more about my experience, there will be a lot more processing and understanding of my experience, plus hopefully some more summer adventures! So thanks for sticking with me these past four months and sharing my journey with me. Also, if you have any specific questions or things you have been wondering just let me know, I'll have a lot more time to answer questions and put up pictures, etc.
Webale nyo bassebo ne bannyabo. Weraba!
P.S. Rwanda for the next 10 days, Mukono for a night (hopefully at home!), Entebbe for four days, and then I'm back on American soil May 4th - 2 weeks from today!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Time Flies
How is it April already? Time goes by so fast here I really lose track of the days...sorry its been forever since a blog post, to me I thought it had been about a week. So, quick picture update:
1) The weekend after rural homestays we went to visit Bridget at her boarding school because they had a visitation day. It was a fun 4 hour drive there and back riding in the back with Alex and Megan. I was really excited to see Jja Jja again. I dont know if I have introduced her or not, but she is my grandmother who still lives in the village but was at our house because she was sick and needed to be close to Kampala. She is about 86 and a little ball of fire. I wish we spoke the same language because I'm sure I would have pee-ed my pants laughing with her. It was great to see Bridget too! She is definitely growing up fast too.
1) The weekend after rural homestays we went to visit Bridget at her boarding school because they had a visitation day. It was a fun 4 hour drive there and back riding in the back with Alex and Megan. I was really excited to see Jja Jja again. I dont know if I have introduced her or not, but she is my grandmother who still lives in the village but was at our house because she was sick and needed to be close to Kampala. She is about 86 and a little ball of fire. I wish we spoke the same language because I'm sure I would have pee-ed my pants laughing with her. It was great to see Bridget too! She is definitely growing up fast too.
Me and Jja Jja
Sisters!
2) So that was on a Saturday and then on Sunday, Rogers wanted to host all of the USP students for a "tea party". Little did Megan and I know he meant like fried chicken and samosas, aka a big deal. But it turned out great and everyone enjoyed it. Kinda funny seeing that many people at my house though!
22 Mzungus + 10 Ugandans = 1 Big Party
3) I just love Saturdays, because things like this happen:
The Boys and Their Girls
:)
4) Last Thursday the USP students lead community worship which was kind of hilarious because most of us really dislike community worship but it was actually great to have a comm. worship American style. So we did all of these great songs and then Cody, who was leading asked Caitlyn Black and I to choreograph a dance to one of them... and I said yes, which right after, I wasnt sure why the heck I agreed. But it turned out GREAT! Caitlyn and I were expecting it to take us hours to come up with something but we finished the whole dance in an hour. And then, we never even had time to actually practice it and so we just did it up on stage and it was awesome. I mean Ugandans dont really know/do anything close to ballet or contemporary but it was still awesome and I'm kind of proud of myself for doing it. Then I was interviewed by the school newspaper but I havent seen it come out yet...
4) IMME had weekend travel to Luwero March 25-27. Luwero is where the current President Museveni started his bush war to overthrow Obote II. Basically it was just a place of death for years, and even though its been 26 years since it happened, it is very fresh in everyones minds. The first place we went was a memorial site for all of the civilians who died in the midst of the guerrilla warfare. It was just a big mass grave with almost 3000 people, and it was just one of 15 in Luwero.
We also spent a day at a Compassion site (which I'll have a separate blog post about) and talked to and Anglican Bishop and Catholic Priest about the work they are doing in the area, especially in regards to HIV/AIDS because it is 7% higher than the national average (13%) in Luwero.
Here is a picture of us with Father Gerrie: such an amazing man!
Hes also a gentile giant. The people who look the same height are standing on a step. This is at his church that we went to on Sunday.
5) We went on safari last weekend and it was awesome! Ill do a whole blog post about that one too hopefully, but here is a preview:
He was just hanging out on the side of the road on the way into the park. Nbd.
As for me, I have 2 hours of class left, an 8 page religion paper, a Luganda final and an discussion on simple living and then my time at UCU is donzo!
Craziness. At least I get a lot more down time before Rwanda....
Monday, March 21, 2011
Life is Unfair
So walking home yesterday I passed a boy on the street wearing a Boston Bruins shirt and I got so excited I really just wanted a picture to show all you Bostonians but I thought it would be way to weird to whip out my camera, so I didn’t. But then as I was drinking my daily afternoon tea on the front porch, he came over to see Daniel (they must be friends from school or something), so I ran to get my camera to take their picture.
He was just a normal, growing and healthy boy like my little brothers… or so I thought. My mom went on to tell me that he was born with HIV and that his mom has “the disease”. WHAT? Maama just told me like she was telling me how to eat matooke. What am I supposed to do with this? I just want to scream sometimes when I see things like this! It just shows how much this world needs a redeemer. This world is so broken and sometimes I just can’t process or deal with it.
I’m a fixer, if there is a problem I spend my time thinking of solutions and I don’t stop until the problem is done. But what can I do about this? Nothing. And its painful every time I think about it.
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