The Honeymoon Is Over

So being home has been absolutely wonderful for the past week and a half... but they warned us that this day would come.  


The honeymoon phase of being home has officially ended and it hit me hard this morning standing in front of the yogurt selection at the grocery store this morning.  I couldn't make a decision of which kind, size, flavor, price to pick so I just had to walk away.  It was busy this morning too and I just felt so overwhelmed by the amount of mzungus I didnt know all in one place not paying attention to each other but just coexisting in that place in that moment while they focus on what they need to buy out of necessity and want.  Luckily I had Logan there or I think I would have had a complete mental breakdown in the middle of the store.  


This is just a small example of my overall feelings of today, and since I've been home really but that I've just ignored.  I feel physically and mentally incapable.  I cant make decisions because the choices are too many.  I can drive and physically live at home and at Gordon without thinking because Im letting years of habit dictate my actions, but when it comes down to it I really feel like I have lost the mental capacity to consciously act.  There is a huge disconnect between my brain and my body.  We went out to dinner before senior formal last night and I knew how to be seated, read my menu, enjoy the bread and oil they give you before your meal but then when it came down to order and ask for ketchup I really struggled to find the right words and just felt embarrassed that I couldnt coherently say "could I please have some ketchup?".  


And I guess this is what I asked for, I asked for the honeymoon phase to eventually come to an end so I should enjoy this moment but I didnt realize I would be more frustrated with myself than I would affluent and materialistic American society.  


So basically, with the end of this honeymoon phase comes the culmination of all of the hard stuff I've learned about myself these past four months - what the Bible would call desires of the flesh.  I have really felt and understood how ungodly of a human being I am despite having a relationship with the Lord for 9ish years.  I am now able to see how stubborn and selfish I am, the areas of bitterness in my life towards people and situations, and how incredibly incapable I am to do anything about it.  So here I am, in desperate need of the Lord's grace and mercy, which I know he will faithfully provide and hopefully I will be able to faithfully accept.