The Honeymoon Is Over

So being home has been absolutely wonderful for the past week and a half... but they warned us that this day would come.  


The honeymoon phase of being home has officially ended and it hit me hard this morning standing in front of the yogurt selection at the grocery store this morning.  I couldn't make a decision of which kind, size, flavor, price to pick so I just had to walk away.  It was busy this morning too and I just felt so overwhelmed by the amount of mzungus I didnt know all in one place not paying attention to each other but just coexisting in that place in that moment while they focus on what they need to buy out of necessity and want.  Luckily I had Logan there or I think I would have had a complete mental breakdown in the middle of the store.  


This is just a small example of my overall feelings of today, and since I've been home really but that I've just ignored.  I feel physically and mentally incapable.  I cant make decisions because the choices are too many.  I can drive and physically live at home and at Gordon without thinking because Im letting years of habit dictate my actions, but when it comes down to it I really feel like I have lost the mental capacity to consciously act.  There is a huge disconnect between my brain and my body.  We went out to dinner before senior formal last night and I knew how to be seated, read my menu, enjoy the bread and oil they give you before your meal but then when it came down to order and ask for ketchup I really struggled to find the right words and just felt embarrassed that I couldnt coherently say "could I please have some ketchup?".  


And I guess this is what I asked for, I asked for the honeymoon phase to eventually come to an end so I should enjoy this moment but I didnt realize I would be more frustrated with myself than I would affluent and materialistic American society.  


So basically, with the end of this honeymoon phase comes the culmination of all of the hard stuff I've learned about myself these past four months - what the Bible would call desires of the flesh.  I have really felt and understood how ungodly of a human being I am despite having a relationship with the Lord for 9ish years.  I am now able to see how stubborn and selfish I am, the areas of bitterness in my life towards people and situations, and how incredibly incapable I am to do anything about it.  So here I am, in desperate need of the Lord's grace and mercy, which I know he will faithfully provide and hopefully I will be able to faithfully accept.  

Congratulations!

Happy 22nd birthday Logan!  And congratulations on graduating, I am so proud of you!  

This picture was taken last night before senior formal, which was lots of fun! We basically spent 4 hours dancing... Logan had fun, but I loved it because dancing is my favorite no matter what kind :) 

Congratulations Kerry and Joel on your engagement! 

Kerry and Joel, engaged May 14, 2011 

Thanx for letting me share life with you all! Your life adventures are my joys as well. :) 

Bungee Jumping Video

Here it is! I finally have large enough bandwith to post :)

Home - as in Ashland/Gordon Home

So Im home.  I've been home for a week as of today.  I'm not sure what to say about it except that its been weird.  Weird that it wasnt as hard as I was expecting.  I was expecting to be super frustrated with people, with affluence, with the weather.  And only the weather part is true... so far any way.  


For the most part I've really enjoyed my week.  Except for being freezing in this "nice" New England weather, I have loved spending time with my wonderful boyfriend Logan, getting to see family on Mother's Day, getting to know our new puppy, and watching my sister play lacrosse and enjoying some great conversations with friends. 


So, maybe this is just the honeymoon phase...in a way I kind of hope so.  I dont want my past four months to be a waste.  In debrief we talked about the different responses we could have coming home about our semester.  One of them was compartmentalization, putting my past four months into a box and opening it just like I would past vacations.  Or I could alienate myself from everyone, writing everyone off as never understanding (which in all honesty you probably wont), and becoming frustrated and bitter when no one wants to keep talking about my time in Uganda.  The third, and best response is integration.  This is what I want and I'm striving for.  I want to take all of my lessons about living faithfully and living simply and integrate into my life here.  I want to change, not like 180 degrees,  but even if I just change a little, in the future I will still be far from the course I was on before I even left.  


So for now, my adventure is continuing in the sense that I have no idea what my next week, let alone my summer is going to be like.  For now, I'm living day by day.  Hopefully I'll get a job, hopefully I'll have something to do, but hopefully I'll be content with just being.  


Prayers for this summer would be greatly appreciated. 


And, I cant not mention how much I miss Uganda and my Ugandan family and I really cant wait to go back!